Halloween Ghouls Have Nothing About Potty Training, by Georgia Garvey

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It will soon be Halloween, a prime time for horror movie fans.

Some like “The Shining”, the story of a man who goes mad after spending too much time alone with his family without alcohol. Others prefer “Friday The 13th”, a movie that teaches us that the main risk factor for falling victim to a serial killer is premarital sex.

Me, on the other hand? I don’t need horror movies because I recently potty training a 3 year old.

Before we begin, a content review: the following is parental gore. It’s unpleasant, offensive, and, unless you’ve been completely desensitized, hard to tolerate.

The first thing you need to know about toilet training in a 3 year old is that it is already too late.

At least that’s the perspective you’ll find in the most popular potty training book, which is long on shame and short on understanding.

You’ll read the book anyway, gritting your teeth if necessary. Because you’re trying to transform your kid from someone walking around, with the flippant ease of a kid carrying two pounds of poo in their shorts, to demanding a diaper change into someone who can use the bathroom. independently.

It’s a transformation like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly: it’s messy, slow, and mysterious but somehow the job is done.

Speaking of jobs, yours, as a potty-learning parent, is to bribe.

Act as if you are bidding on a huge city contract; if you want to make it happen, you better bag your ethics.

Now is not the time for petty morals, questions about “what kind of message are you sending” or considerations three months from now when your child will demand M & Ms for every bowel movement. You set up a pot trap, bait with candy, toys and stickers.

The next step is to cultivate an ecstatic response to the smells, sights and sounds of the toilet.

“Wow!”

“Yay!”

“Impressive!”

These are not words that you will have previously associated with feces. It will change.

You should also be prepared for the inevitable and understandable disgust with which non-parents will treat the subject. It can be hard for you to remember what it feels like not to wait, day in and day out, with waning patience and growing desperation, for someone to poop.

But the vast majority of your childless friends and relatives won’t like to hear about the exact color, size, and consistency of your offspring’s droppings. When your child insists that someone FaceTiming show them the contents of the family bathroom, Grandma is your best bet.

I also suggest that you prepare for a lot of outdoor pee. Whether you’re at the park, biking the neighborhood, or stepping out of the grocery store, you need to be prepared to stop immediately and frantically search for a bush or tree for cover. Remember to watch for cookies. I do not think you would be arrested just for allowing light public urination, but you are likely to receive disapproving looks.

In the end, there are many frightening and disturbing aspects of potty training, one of which is the risk that you will one day announce to a room full of adults that you “need to potty”.

But worst of all is that at some point, months or even years in the future, when you sort through unused diapers and decide to get rid of the changing table, you might actually start. to miss: diaper bags and baby wipes and accessories.

You will become sad.

Because having a baby who doesn’t wear diapers means he’s not quite a baby anymore.

And it smells like shit.

To learn more about Georgia Garvey, visit GeorgiaGarvey.com.

Photo credit: Charles Deluvio at Unsplash


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